It’s Just This Life

It’s just this life. I was in the throws of a crumbling marriage, holding on in desperate hopes of keeping it together. That’s only another 50 years or so, I can do this. I told myself as I rationalized the situation and continued steamrolling past the red flags appearing in every direction. My next life will be better. I’d internally assure myself. I’ll throw myself into being a mom, I can focus on her. She was my pure light after all. This isn’t all that bad, people have it so much worse. I pep-talked myself up, I can find the good. It’ll be fine. I recited it over and over again as my personal mantra. 

I never wanted to be divorced. No one does. And I, coming from a childhood of divorce, did not want that for my daughter. I aggressively tried to be fine, tried to fit the dysfunctional mold my marriage was shaping out to be. But every attempt made me smaller, quieter, more insignificant and more out of alignment than ever before. I was a shell of who I once was, and someone I could no longer be. 

Eventually, I started asking for a sign. I begged the universe for something so in my face I could not ignore it. When the sign eventually came, it pummeled me. The world around me momentarily froze. Suddenly, it’s just this life hit differently. In the past, it had calmed and soothed my mind, but now that calm was replaced with the hot fear of understanding that this life right now is the only one I have. I was faced with a choice: settle into this life that no longer served me, or stop and create a new one. 

Both options sounded terrifying. 

Have you ever looked at your life and realized how foreign it felt? Have you had to acknowledge the horrifying reality that a life you worked so hard to create was no longer in your best interest? 

No, maybe not you. Maybe you fall into the category of lucky ones whose life you’ve never had to question. Whose life is happy and full, surrounded by rainbows and butterflies. 

But how many of us are settling in situations not truly meant for us? Pushing onward and upward, unknowingly agreeing to the it’s just this life mantra. Maybe we’ve been conditioned to believing it’s what we wanted. Maybe we even wanted those things at one point, but now something in us has shifted. How many of us now are settling in jobs that don’t fulfill us, loveless marriages, tired friendships, and a life that no longer feels in alignment?

Looking back at the decision- whether to continue on or stop and change, I can’t help but feel an abundance of gratitude. While it was the darkest and scariest period of my life, I made a choice. I chose me. 

I chose me, I chose my daughter, and I chose change. Although terrified, that moment pivoted me into where I am today. It’s still not perfect, and not everything fits, yet it’s mine to live and fully create. I no longer need to make myself small, quiet, or feel insignificant. I’m learning to lean into who I am, finding my voice and reestablishing my authenticity along the way. At times it’s uncomfortable, this life is not without challenges - the highs and lows are never ending.  But I continue to push on and grow, and reach for what is in the highest good - all because I dared to stop and change. 

And then there’s you. Maybe you are looking around at your life and notice things aren’t fitting. Maybe you’ve shifted from what you thought you wanted and realize that is no longer the case. Maybe deep down you know you’re settling. Maybe you’ve outgrown that past version of yourself. Maybe you are actually one of us, the ones brave enough to question. And perhaps today is the day you stop telling yourself, it’s just this life - and start creating a life that is truly yours. 

Because in the end, we really only have just this life.