Dating, After Marriage

I’m on a date. Actually, I’m a few dates in. It’s nighttime, we’re on the beach sitting on a blanket enjoying a beverage with the sound of the waves crashing in the background. 

“But how do you ever trust again?”  He asked matter-of-factly after I shared part of my journey.

I felt as if the wind had been knocked from me. I hesitated for a moment and mumbled something about the benefits of therapy. The question caught me off-guard though and I wasn’t able to answer authentically. Since then, I’ve been marinating on that question.  

For most of us, we followed different variations of a similar, traditional path: Go to college, get a job, meet someone, get married, buy a house, have kids, and take the yearly vacation - all with the high hopes of achieving that happily-ever-after the fairytales promised us as children. 

And I did just that. I went to college, got a job, met someone, got married, bought a house, and had a kid - checking those milestones off one by one like the good girl I was conditioned to be. 

I spent a decade building a full life and envisioning a future with someone. There was love and friendship, there were good times and bad times, times when we tried to make it work, and times when we gave up. Even though the pieces that were actually us never truly, whole heartedly fit together, walking away and watching the life you dedicatedly built burn to ashes empties you. 

You go from all those years of someone being at the center of your heart to them being someone of your darkest nightmares. After you survive the divorce process you find yourself burnt, scarred, and alone. 

In time, you grieve the death of the life you anticipated having. Little by little you heal and moments of joy start becoming more frequent. You go full in on creating a new, wonderful life for you and your child. Knowing full well that you’re different from who you once were, and that’s ok.  

Eventually as the chaos quiets, you start dating again. 

Going from having a partner and fully knowing them, to a first date after over a decade is comically terrifying. Shifting from “How are we spending the rest of our lives?” to “What’s your favorite color?” takes time. I’m no longer that sun-kissed, wrinkle-free, easy-spirited 20-something year old. No, I now carry a kid on my hip and check-in sized luggage of emotional baggage with me at all times. Putting myself out there as I am now, scars and all, feels hard. 

“But how do you ever trust again?” He asked. 

If I could answer him now, my answer is clear as day - Hope. 

Because even after all the hurt and pain, there is still something inside me that has hope. 

Hope in infinite love. Hope that opening my heart to love and be loved with the right person stands the test of time. And for the little girl inside me, hope that the fairytale still exists - just not the one I once dreamed of.

Sometimes the waves crash louder than others but as we all ride this wave of life, what hope are you holding on to? What areas in your life can be awakened with just a little more hope? For me, my hope is in this life I’m creating and the love I have to give. I hope we all receive the love we deserve - even when it looks different from what you once envisioned for yourself.