Two Truths
I’m in the middle of packing my daughter’s weekend bag. Running up and down the stairs trying to check off the things she may need. At the same time, I’m rage cleaning in an attempt to mute my mind. I’m putting the latest CVS purchases in the hall closet when it hits and I lose it.
I’m on the floor - allowing the sadness to wash over me like a tidal wave.
She’s going on a vacation with her dad, staying away for more nights than ever before.
The comical part is I thought I was prepared. I had therapy yesterday, I talked it through. My body is tired, I need a break, and I made sure to schedule all the things to look forward to while she’s away. One of my best friends is coming over. I'm going out for a ladies night dinner tomorrow. I have a date on the calendar, a family barbecue, all the yoga I can squeeze in, beach time with my smutty new read, and a mani-pedi…. a full list of things I thoroughly enjoy.
In this moment it all falls flat.
No one prepares you for this part. Having forced time away from the person you love the most. The person you brought into this world after 36+ hours of labour. Forced time away, knowing full well you need this time to yourself to be the adult-you and not just the mommy-you. Knowing that these moments create space for you to show up better all around. And yet it's still hard.
Deep down I want someone to pick me up and hold me through this. A loving partner who wraps their arms around me and tells me it is going to be ok.
As the waves of sadness calm I push myself off the floor. I need to pull it together before I pick her up from camp and before she heads back out the door for her trip. I dry my eyes, wash my face, and catch myself in the mirror. There she is, that person who has gotten me through every hard moment. The person who has committed herself to softness and feeling what needs to be felt. The person who trusts the inner knowing that it will all be ok even when it feels hard.
I remind myself what I told my daughter earlier today - that two things can be true. That It’s ok to feel happy and sad at the same time. It’s ok to feel happy about the vacation with daddy while also feeling sad about leaving mommy.
We’re allowed to hold two truths. I’m allowed to be happy for my moments of solo time and sad about them as well. We’re allowed to feel the hardness in life while also knowing that we will be ok.
Maybe you’re holding two truths as well. Maybe there are areas in your life where you’re allowed to feel it all - the joy, the pain, hope and fear.
Let that person in the mirror feel it fully, and trust they’ll be ok with all of their truths.