What the White Dress Didn’t Know
10 years ago today I put on a white dress. I walked down the aisle of an enormous cathedral, made vows, and then celebrated with an elaborate 250+ person reception. It was a beautiful day, surrounded by some of my favorite people.
Looking back now, I can’t help but remark on the ridiculousness of it all. Back in my twenties, there was this urgency to make it past the marriage finish line. The pressure was on to check the box and celebrate. To be chosen. And I, at 30, felt as if I was running late and falling behind in life because I was one of the last of those around me to say “I do”.
In all honesty, there was a moment, right before going to the church when I lost it - at my mother of course, because unfortunately, we throw the brunt of our emotions at the ones who love us unconditionally. I felt that whisper of doubt. Just a week before the wedding, he had a moment - threatening to cancel the whole thing in an adult-like tantrum. There was that whisper of doubt.
Even earlier, at our engagement - I had a quiet moment. We got engaged in Paris. The ring was stunning. Yet, right after, I sat waiting to feel that euphoric moment I expected to feel. I was happy, don’t get me wrong, I wanted to get engaged. I wanted to get married. I pushed to get there. But the happiness I felt was more about achieving the end-goal of marriage. Spending the rest of my life together with all our flaws… I don’t think I fully processed that part.
Deep down, I wonder if we both subconsciously knew. While the love may have been there, so was the pressure, and us showing up as who we were in the pieces of us, never honestly fit - even when we wanted them to.
In the past, this day brought up mixed emotions but today and at the core, the sole emotion I feel is one of gratitude. Grateful for that day that eventually brought the best person in my world to life. My daughter is the light that keeps me going. I’m also grateful for the woman I became since that day, one brave enough to step off that original path and away from what no longer serves her.
Fast forward to what would have been a ten year wedding anniversary. I look back at those young individuals we once were, and while it is hard to recall the love between us after walking the dramatic path apart, I applaud them for trying.
And to the young woman standing in the white dress, I wish I could give her a hug and tell her what I know now. Tell her to release the pressure and the perfection. She has so much change and growth ahead of her, and she is just starting to step into her full self. I’d tell her to listen to that intuition of hers, find the joy in the everyday, and assure her that in the end everything will be as it should be.
Everything is always just as it should be.